Dispatch From The Desert #4

A BORED AMERICAN INSOMNIAC IN EGYPT

(The following tale contains material which may not be suitable for all readers. Parental discretion is advised.)

I had a fun night last night. I was silly. Very silly. But first a bit of background.

I have chronic, severe migraine. I have had every test imaginable, and tried every medication available in the rather large and formidable arsenal available to doctors in the US. The result is that nothing works, and I take a narcotic pain reliever, called Stadol, which is delivered via nasal spray.

I brought 3 unopened bottles of the spray, plus a bit in a fourth, with me in my luggage, but it was confiscated in Amsterdam. I believe I know the reason for this, but it's mainly an educated guess. Something someone said to me on the plane from Amsterdam to Egypt didn't register at the time, but I realized later that the little bottles look just like poppers, which are available in Amsterdam (but illegal). I just had my husband call our doctor and ask what kind of meds I should look for here for pain. He suggested several types, and I figured everything would be fine.

Well, things weren't fine. Everything that my doctor suggested is not available here. In fact, most pain relievers stronger than an 800 mg ibuprofen are unavailable here, unless you are actually admitted to a hospital. When the cook broke her foot, I took a look at her "pain management" medication. It amounted to a steroid to control the swelling in her foot, and prescription strength ibuprofen under another common generic name. (I was horrified--in the US they'd give you a shot of something strong in the ER, and send you home with strong pain relievers in pill form--she got an aspirin in the ER.) My father even tried to get me cough syrup with codeine, which used to be availabe OTC here. I could have managed with that, since the syrup tells you the concentration of codeine. But even that has been made illegal, and actually isn't available even in a hospital.

My father's solution was to acquire, for me, some of the local *herb*. I ended up with a ridiculously large amount--probably an ounce, if not more--which will simply be tossed in the trash when I leave. I had tried it several times, trying to assess its strength, as well as using it for migraine. When I first tried it, I thought it might be "creeper", which seems like nothing but hits you after a bit. No soap. I had to pee (it relaxes muscles for about 20 minutes after smoking), and then it does absolutely nothing, except for maybe making you slightly relaxed, but not even really sleepy. I had actually decided that if I were a marketing director for the growers, their slogan would have to be, "It's not creeper. It's just crap."

Which leads me to last night. I was bored. My body clock has now adjusted to the time change, and my insomnia is back. I eat chocolate every night after taking my meds, as the serotonin boost helps my meds work, and generally makes me sleepy, but even that hasn't been helping. So there I was. It was 11:00 pm, my meds had been taken much earlier, and weren't doing anything. I was bored, though I am reading a good book. I figured I'd smoke a little bit, and hope it made me sleepy. And wouldn't you know it...it finally crept! All I could think was, "Holy crap! That's why it's popular here!"

The result was a very amusing evening. I don't know if I finally got some good buds, or if I got some pesticide, or what, but it was just nuts. I read some of my book, and heard different voices "speaking" each part. Everything seemed very deep and interesting, and I could really "see" the characters, who seemed to have left the page and be acting just for my pleasure. I ate one, then two, then finally four Bounty bars (like Almond Joy bars, only denser, and better), partly because of munchies, but also because they felt so glorious in my mouth--tiny chewy bits of coconut, and chocolate like silk dancing on my tongue. I went outside for a cigarette, and when I came back in, I noticed all the Persian rugs, and decided to try them all out. Do you have any idea how many rugs there are in this house on the ground floor? Neither do I, but I can confidently report that the ones in the front hall, which are the really thick type which are "carved," are much nicer and softer than the others. And finally, there was fencing. Yes, fencing. I finished reading "The Three Musketeers" the other day, and I happened to see it sitting on the table. I decided I wanted to look like a musketeer. I think you can see the result for yourself. Somewhere in this house, I have seen a large, decorative scimitar in a heavy scabbard. I needed it so I could duel the crystal in the dining room. Fortunately, I didn't find it. I tried a wooden hanger, but it wasn't the same. I had to satisfy myself with dancing around with a scarf tied decoratively around my waist, and a wooden hanger tucked into it, thrusting it at flowers in the night-silent garden. As with all good things, it came to an end. I got thirsty, and went back to my room. Then I got involved in my book again. I read until the first call to prayer, which happens at about 5:00 am. Then I slept. I did, however, take a photo of myself as a musketeer. Lucky me. Or maybe, lucky you.